Letdown, Not Devastated - Kings 3 - Blackhawks 2

I've been sick for 10 days. Flu, head cold, chest cold, uvulitis, and general shittiness. It just so happened that my sickness occurred simultaneously with the Blackhawks' circus trip, when the United Center is overtaken by the Ringling Brothers, so that a new generation of children can be emotionally scarred by a bewildering spectacle of lions, elephants, and clowns. 

This circus trip can be deemed a success, as the Hawks took 8 out of 12 possible points, but last night's game vs. the Kings left a bad taste in my mouth. Losing a 2 goal lead in the 3rd will do that. Living in LA for 5 years, I used to like the Kings, even went to some of their games. But I've grown to hate them for doing exactly what they did last night. Coming up from behind like a lonely and aggressive cell-mate. 

You see, I'm a sports hypocrite. I love it when the Hawks come from behind, like the amazing turnaround against the Ducks, and I hate it when it happens to my team. Did you know that it is morally acceptable to be a hypocrite as long as you acknowledge it? It's true!

Delicious Cake

-Scott Darling. Made some key saves that allowed the Hawks to take a point in both the Kings and Flames games. Generally solid. I have no idea why anybody has anything negative to say about him. He's a big sturdy backup and a class act on and off the ice.




-Patrick Kane. Long live Kane's "Fuck You Tour" of 2015.

-Tanner Kero. If Q lets him, he will develop into a penalty killer, faceoff winner, and overall 2-way asset for years. Seriously. This kid is special. 


So-So Soup

-Artemi Panarin. When his game isn't where he wants it to be, he tends to dangle and make unrealistic passes, which lead to Versteegian turnovers. His upside is so good that these can be forgiven for now, but he needs to learn when to chip the puck in, make a simple pass, and put the puck on net when given a chance. He also seems deathly afraid of being hit, which is a problem in the making. He's still an NHL rookie, so he has time to make these adjustments.





Expired Tuna Salad

-Brandon Mashinter. I guess Q wants an extended look at the guy, but if you look at a turd long enough, it doesn't transform into anything but a turd. Dude is AHL for life, homie.

-Coach Q. Why is Toews playing with Garbutt and Shaw? Why scratch Tanner Kero in the Anaheim game and play Mashinter? Why play Mashinter? I'd rather see Tikhonov instead of Mashinter, and Tikhonov sucks!  Time to bring Bickell back, see what he's learned.

Here's how my fevered brain would roll them out:
Panarin-Anisimov-Kane
Teravainen-Toews-Hossa
Shaw-Kero-Dano
Desjardins-Kruger-Bickell

Noticeably Unnoticed Award for Excellence in Impalpable Impact

-Trevor Daley. Besides missing the net by several feet, what is it that he does?

 
Final Thought: 3 on 3 overtime is garbage. To have valuable points decided by a pickup game is retarded. It should be a 5 on 5 overtime with ties and no loser point.  Just end this charade and do it.

Having games decided on a motherfucking practice drill? Kiss my ass, NHL/NHLPA Competition Committee. Go fuck yourself, NHL Board of Governors. These assholes are considering making the goal bigger. Idiots. What's next, making the puck smaller? Rocket skates? Cobras in the penalty box?

It's a great sport. Stop fucking with it.
 

 

Off the Mat, Into the Flames - Blackhawks 4 - Blues 2

Great game! One of the best ongoing rivalries in sports was rekindled in an exciting, physical contest with a captain fight and questionable hits galore. For the Hawks, it was a really big win against a division opponent. For the Blues, it was further proof that having more hits doesn't mean you win the game. 

The Blackhawks did try to match St. Louis' style of play, taking penalties, and delivering a couple of shady checks. But once Patrick Kane scored late in the 2nd to give the Hawks a 3-2 lead, things settled down and the Hawks played a defensively responsible 3rd period that was boring compared to the fireworks of the first 40 minutes.
 
For reasons unknown even to myself, I've included some biblical throwdown talk in the rest of my analysis, because for at least a night, the righteous have won and the wicked have been defeated. And to those that say the bible has no place in a hockey blog, remember that their throats are open graves, their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.






Delicious Cake

-Patrick Kane. Knock knock. Who's there? Patrick Kane. Patrick Kane who? Patrick Kane will rain down blazing coals and burning sulfur on the wicked, punishing them with scorching wristshots! Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood!
 
-Jonathan Toews, the pugilist. Hey David Backes, you think you're just gonna check Hjalmarsson into the boards and not have to step up to our captain's new-found fighting ability? Get real, fuckface! Your hills, your valleys, and your streams will be filled with people slaughtered by Toews' fists. Your cities will never be rebuilt. Then you will know the power of God's true son.


 

So-So Soup

-Breakaways. Can someone other than Artem Anisimov score on a breakaway? Is is too hard to go one-on-one with a goalie over a dozen times and only have 2-3 goals to show for it? The Hawks are getting at least one breakaway chance every game, and they're blowing it. Practice that shit, boys, for those who sharpen their sword take hold of judgment, and will inflict vengeance on their adversaries.    
   

Expired Tuna Salad

-Marko Dano's hit on Robby Fabbri. There is no place in the game for that garbage. A crosscheck to the back of a player facing the boards who doesn't possess the puck is cheap and dirty. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.



-Rozsival and Daley pairing. Hey Q! Yeah, I'm talking to you! DON'T EVER PUT MICHAL ROZSIVAL AND TREVOR DALEY OUT AT THE SAME TIME! You shouldn't combine slow with sucky, Joel. They should take away one of your rings for that dumb shit.


"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment."


That concludes today's bible study. May we warm ourselves on the slain Flames of Calgary later this eve. Amen. 

Nyquil On Ice - Devils 3 - Blackhawks 2

This game was frustrating to watch. Even though Lou Lamoriello is no longer affiliated with the New Jersey Devils, his legacy of boring hockey lives on. The Devils are Nyquil on ice, and they've been that way for 20 years. Along with the Hawk's inability to show any scoring touch beyond Kane and Panarin, you have a recipe for a "let's check stats and Twitter on my phone while I watch" type of game.  It got interesting late in the 3rd when Panarin tied it up, and then it got upsetting when the Devils scored 8 seconds into their power play just 4 minutes later. Hawks lose. No consistency. Prognosis not so good.

Delicious Cake  

-2nd line. Kane, Anisimov, and Panarin are responsible for 22 of the 41 goals scored by the Hawks so far. That's 53% of the team's goals. That percentage would be great if other Hawks were scoring, too. But they're not. The Hawks are currently scoring 2.56 goals per game, 18th in the league. That's not enough to win games. 




So-So Soup

-3rd line. I realize that the 3rd line is a couple of rookies that haven't found their NHL groove yet, plus Teravainen, but something's gotta give.




Expired Tuna Salad

-4th line. They're not expected to score because no one on that line besides Shaw is capable of scoring anything other than a garbage goal, a rebound, or a stuff-in. Why not put a scorer on that line? Put Dano or Kero in there for a few games. Or hell, put Teravainen in there. And for more than just a game, Q. Desjardins and Kruger are capable of occupying the offensive zone just fine, and if they had someone with an accurate wrister to pass to, the 4th line would be more of a threat. As of now, the 4th line is about as threatening as a pillowcase full of marshmallows.

-1st line. So that leaves a huge fucking question mark with the 1st line. What the fuck? Q is shoving guys into the Hossa-Toews line for a game or two and then blowing it up. Not every line is going to show instant chemistry. Sometimes you have to leave something alone for a while in order for chemistry to grow. That's how penicillin was discovered.  I've been pushing for Teravainen to have an extended look, but that might not be the best fit. The 1st line needs 2013 Bryan Bickell. Since time travel isn't widely available, they need the equivalent of that. The 1st line needs a big body to screen the goalie and create space for Toews and Hossa to do their thing. That's what Anisimov does for the 2nd line, and those guys are on fire. The problem is that no one on the roster fits that ideal. Viktor Tikhonov has size but he blows. Brandon Mashinter... no. I'd say Marko Dano deserves a shot, but truthfully, the Hawks might have to make a trade to get a forward with size who isn't afraid of standing in front of the net. Jesus, who would've thought that a line with Toews and Hossa would be such a clusterfuck?




Noticeably Unnoticed Award for Excellence in Impalpable Impact

-Andrew Desjardins. Played some on the penalty kill, but not a solid game overall. 


Final Thoughts:

Supposedly, both Duncan Keith and Michal Rozsival are playing on Saturday vs. the Blues. This is both good news and bad news. It's good news because the defense gets bolstered by the irreplaceable Keith and we get to see just what Rozi is capable of in his advanced age. The bad news is the worrying that comes with watching either of them play. 

Last year, when Kane came back from his collarbone injury to play in the 1st game of the Nashville series, I remember cringing whenever he got touched. I didn't know if the injury had entirely healed, or if he was rushed back just because it was the playoffs. I could only hope that he was safe to play in a heavy hitting series. 

Now I'm paranoid for Keith because St. Louis is a physical team that often veers into the dirty. I can see a Ryan Reaves, David Backes, or Steve Ott purposely try to test Keith's recovered knee. There is always a push to shorten the return date for an athlete, and hopefully Keith is fully healed. My unsubstantiated worry is that he's being rushed back because the Hawks are a mediocre to sub-par team that is at risk to miss the playoffs, and his knee is still vulnerable. I worry because I love.

Being There - Blackhawks 4 - Oilers 2

I just came back from a family wedding in Chicago, and since I was in Chicago, and the Hawks were playing on Sunday, I had a chance to see them play in person. I haven't been to the United Center since December of 2010 (I moved to LA in January, 2011). Blackhawks beat the Red Wings 4-1. It was stupid cold that night, with a low of 12 degrees. It was so cold that people fought each other for taxis outside the UC. Me and my friend couldn't get a cab, and after 20 minutes of being outside, I went into some sort of survival panic. Every organ in my body was awake and my muscles got tense and my brain was telling me to find someplace warm.

We walk/ran to the Cobra Lounge, a "hard rock" bar. That place blows, but it was sweet sanctuary to me that night. Called a cab from the place and went home. I had already planned my move to LA, and this was confirmation that I had made the right decision. It's just too fucking cold in Chicago. Go ahead and tell yourself that the winters aren't that bad or that it builds character. Bullshit. Don't deny the suckage. It's a miserable grey time that you never get back. Snow is pretty for a day or two, then it's 4 months of black slush. Fuck a winter, man.




But enough of my ongoing war with winter.

Since I moved to LA, I've seen the Hawks play 3 times, twice at the Staples Center and once at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. Away games. I've been deprived of the hometown experience.

I forgot how much better the experience is at your team's hockey arena vs. watching it on TV at home. For one thing, everybody around you is cheering for the Hawks, which doesn't happen in other arenas for some reason. There are no shitty announcers rambling on, trying to fill time with corny golf jokes, or excessive analysis, or commercials for that matter. Just breaks in the action. It's a clean hockey experience, and if I could, I would see every game the Hawks play there.  


Delicious Cake

-Patrick Kane. 4 point night. Dude's on a 10 game point streak. His backhander in the 3rd was unfair to blind people, who will never see it. He's simply the best player in the NHL right now.

-Artemi Panarin. Ol' Bread-Face got his groove back, scoring 2 goals in the 1st period including a snipe from a sharp angle. Strong game from the Russian rookie.





So-So Soup

-Trevor Daley. Not too many screw ups in his own end, but for a guy who's supposed to be an offensive defenseman, it doesn't seem like he knows where the net is. His favorite shot is missing the net by 3 feet. No goals through 15 games. He's gotta find a way to score or someone will replace him. 

Expired Tuna Salad

-Viktor Tikhonov. So far, he's the worst free agent addition to the roster. He played a team low 5:54 of ice time, and took a shitty penalty that the Oilers were able to capitalize on, keeping them in the game until the Kane backhander. Through 15 games, of which he has dressed 10 times, he has 0 goals and 0 assists. I don't see what positive contributions he brings to the Hawks, besides smoothing out Panarin's transition to North America, which will help Panarin in the long run. Once Panarin gets acclimated to being in the NHL and living in America, I don't think Tikhonov has a place in this organization.

Noticeably Unnoticed Award for Excellence in Impalpable Impact

-Teuvo Teravainen. Not the best game from the young Finnish dandy. He has yet to gel with the top line of Toews-Hossa, but that can change pretty fast.  The kid's a wizard. He'll come through.




 

Manic Depression - Blues 6 - Blackhawks 5 (OT)

Well, that was fun. And then it sucked. Hard. Couldn't hang on to a 5-2 lead and just blew it all to fucking hell.

I don't have time for a full write-up because I am on my way to a wedding in Chicago. Got tickets to the Sunday game vs. Edmonton.

Here's some clips that cheered me up last night, after the shitty loss to them Blues cocksuckers...







Get it? I dislike Barret Jackman, and he doesn't even play for the Blues anymore.

Also, I greatly dislike David Backes, who might have injured his own goalie last night by shoving Toews right into said goalie.  Here's more of Backes' greatest hits...





Alright, that'll do it. I'm off.

An Unexpected Comeback - Blackhawks 4 - Kings 2

I fully expected the Hawks to lose. After the standstill 2nd period, I figured the flat play was indicative of growing pains that would last for a while, especially with Hossa out, bringing the number of players from last year's active roster to 8. I figured the Hawks that weren't here last year would not know how to finish, that they had to learn and solidify before making the leap to beating good Western Conference teams. I was wrong. Sort of. The core of Toews and Kane will always be a threat to pull off a blitzkrieg of goals, as are anybody playing on a line with them. Kane and Toews were involved in all 4 goals scored, with a goal and an assist each. A 3-goal third period, along with Crawford coming alive after looking vulnerable early to stop all 25 shots in the final 2 periods, wrapped up a win that I thought would be a shitty loss to the surging Kings. I was genuinely surprised and elated, which I haven't felt since Columbus, 5 games ago. Let's get to it...




Delicious Cake

-Jonathan Toews. Scored the first goal on a brilliant feed by Garbutt, and assisted on the dagger to the face goal by Anisimov, late in the 3rd. 




-Artem Anisimov. Seems like he's the only guy who can score on a breakaway this year (besides Panarin on opening night). Anisimov is a true talent that I was unaware of, having been playing in the bowels of hockey hell, Columbus. He is the big 2nd line center the Hawks have always needed, and I hope he stays around for a long time.

-Kane. Patrick Kane. This motherfucker injected life into the game (and my bored brain) with an unsuspecting shot that flew over the shoulder of an unsuspecting Jonathan Quick. All of a sudden, the game was tied, and the momentum shifted to the Hawks. Then he follows that up with a behind the back, behind the net pass to Teuvo, who scored to put the Hawks up 3-2. He's on a 7 game point streak. He went on a tear last year before breaking his collarbone, and it seems like he's picking up where he left off. It's very likely that he'll surpass his high of 88 points in 2010.

So-So Soup

-The 3rd line. I gotta cut these guys some slack, because they are being thrust into a trial by fire situation. It's needed, though, as the roster got gutted after last year. Couple that with Hossa's injury and Bickell's cadaverous efforts, the only option is to put together a best-of-Rockford 3rd line, and hope they can find a way to contribute. Q should give the Kero-Dano-Hartmann-Baun-Hinostroza experiment some leeway, and hopefully they'll manage to contribute in a positive way. But as of now, it's just a bunch of bewildered young-ins, slapping around the puck, trying not to suck.  


Expired Tuna Salad

-Bryan Bickell. Oh, he didn't play last night? Well, I don't think anybody played terribly last night, so this is gonna be about ol' thin hair, garbage face, float around the ice, 6' 4" but won't use it, 5 shots in 7 games, $4 million salary cap albatross. He's like somebody you date for 2 months, fall in love with, is awesome, and then reverts back to the mediocre person they truly are, and you stay with them for 6 more months, hoping they can retrieve the spirit of the person you fell in love with. In my experience, it doesn't happen. 

It wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't shown the potential to be great. It makes me feel like a fool for believing he could sustain it. I'm glad the Hawks and Q have tried to make it work, exhausting the issue until there was no choice but to send him down to the minors. I hope he finds his game again, and I hope the Cubs will win the World Series in my lifetime. These things will never happen. Smell ya later, Bicks.




Noticeably Unnoticed Award for Excellence in Impalpable Impact

-Ryan Hartman. Least time on ice with under 10 minutes. It's unclear what he brings. Coach knows he ain't ready. He ain't ready. 

Final Thought:

I can't wait for the St. Louis game on Wednesday. I have hated this current Blues team since 2011, when David Backes was named captain. At one point, the Blues roster had Maxim Lapierre, Steve Ott, Barret Jackman, Ryan Reaves, and Roman Polak. That's 5 of the most despicable hockey players, all on one team. Other guys on the team get in on the after whistle noogies, which I think is because of Backes, who leads like a dirty cop, allowing all below him to try to get away with petty bullshit. By the way, Backes has 13 points and 32 penalty minutes in 29 career playoff games. What a leader. 


He's a mighty good leader


The departure of Jackman, who I hate the most, makes them a little less hateable, but not by much. I still maintain that Jackman would not look out of place in an SS uniform. He has that casually evil look to him that is only amplified by his shitbaggery after the whistle. Seriously, if he hears any whistle, even if it's a traffic cop, he is bound by Satanic order to cross check somebody in the neck, children and dogs included. 


More of this, please.
 

I do not like the St. Louis Blues and desire their continued failure. 
 

Another Crawford Shutout, Another Toews OT Winner - Blackhawks 1 - Ducks 0

For about 50 minutes, this game resembled the Tampa Bay game from a couple nights ago. It was lifeless, goalless, BORING hockey. That all changed in the last ten minutes of the 3rd. Hooo boy, that was a fun 10+ minutes! The pace quickened, and both teams started playing the type of emotionally charged, helter skelter hockey that everyone likes. Both teams had significant goal mouth chances, even if they blew them all (hello, Corey Perry).

Then there's the controversy with Frederik Andersen pushing the net off its moorings right before Artemi Panarin shot it past him, late in the 3rd. This resulted in a no-goal call by the refs, and rightfully so, because the net was clearly dislodged before Panarin got his shot off. But it pissed me off and made me wonder about 2 things: 1) Is there not a penalty on the books about a goalie kicking his own net off on a clear scoring chance? and  2) I think there's something wrong with one of the moorings on that net, as Marian Hossa dislodged it easily a few minutes after the Andersen incident. Supposedly, the United Center got all new boards and I assume new glass, because the old glass partitions often came apart during games, and even injured a fan last year. My point is, if they replaced the boards and glass, they might've replaced the moorings, and those moorings might be shit. It's worth paying attention to as the season continues.

It all should've ended on the Panarin goal, but it went to OT, where after an extended attack by the Ducks, Jonathan Toews countered with the game winner, again. Let's get into it...


Delicious Cake

-Jonathan Toews. 2 straight overtimes, 2 straight game winning goals. Holy shit, that guy is the clutchiest clutch that ever clutched! 




-Corey Crawford. 2nd straight shutout, and this one was definitely more difficult than the Tampa shutout. He managed to stop all 19 shots Anaheim threw at him in the 3rd, and made a sick sliding save in OT that allowed Toews to get his chance.  He always steps up at the right time. Love that guy.


So-So Soup

-Teuvo Teravainen. The young Finn is struggling to get the puck on net. He has 5 shots on goal in the past 4 games. Last night, he was throwing passes around that didn't find anybody. Perhaps it's his linemates, Hinostroza and Garbutt. We've seen what Teuvo can do, and it's a bit maddening to watch him try to make flashy passes to guys with middling puck handling skills. He needs to be paired up with another playmaker, and if that doesn't happen, he needs to start shooting the puck, because everybody is expecting him to pass, which leads to giveaways. Kane learned that lesson, and I'm confident that Teuvo will learn, too. Speaking of too many passes...


Expired Tuna Salad

-Taking shots. The Hawks only put up 24 shots, and it wasn't because of a stifling Anaheim defense, that's for sure. There were just too many goddamn cross ice passes. If you have the chance, get close and try to put it past the goalie. The Blackhawks are known for using the cross ice pass, therefore, teams that have played them a lot (Anaheim) expect it and are able to defend against it. I lost count on the number of times a pass was broken up when a shot on goal would have been a good option.


That's great, kid. Now shoot it!


Noticeably Unnoticed Award for Excellence in Impalpable Impact

-Trevor Daley, for the 2nd straight game. His serviceable, mediocre play is decisively adequate.


Final Thought:

I live in LA. Because of this, if the Ducks are playing, I am forced to watch them on the local affiliate, Fox Sports Prime. This sucks because Brian Hayward, Anaheim's color analyst, is the worst. He is the most obnoxious, homerific ass. Others have noticed, as well. He always wants more penalties called on the other team. He doesn't see anything wrong if it's done by a Duck, and even if it's right in front of him on his own replay screen, he routinely gets basic facts wrong. 

Not even a minute into the game, when Corey Crawford took a shot to the chin, and the slo-mo replay showed Crawford clearly taking a puck to the bottom of his mask, Hayward said (paraphrasing), "Looks like Crawford took a shot to the sternum. Definitely the sternum. He's got a lot of protection there, I don't know why he went down to the ice." Brian Hayward, worst in the business. 


Brian Hayward

One Goal, Dull Affair - Blackhawks 1 - Lightning 0 (OT)

I watched Tampa Bay's OT win against the Winnipeg Jets last night, and hot dog, it was a humdinger! This one, not so much. It actually reminded me a lot of the last 3 Stanley Cup Final games, which the Hawks won 2-1, 2-1, and 2-0. Those were defensively conservative, low scoring, BORING, playoff hockey games. Games 4 and 5 were won on a single 3rd period goal, and then Crawford and the D shut it down. The only reason it seemed riveting was that the stakes were so high, playing for the cup and all. I honestly can't recall much about the last few games except Duncan Keith's goal in Game 6 and the celebration afterwards.

The stakes were not that high tonight, and the Blackhawks pulled out a win in overtime on a terrific individual effort by Jonathan Toews, who managed to nudge one in off his own rebound, just 17 seconds in. The rest of the game played like an exhibition soccer match. There were some oohs and aahs, but no excitement and relief in the form of goals. Sweet, precious goals!


Delicious Cake

-The Hawks Defense. Holding Tampa Bay to only 21 shots by adhering to Q's defensive scheme proved to be the deciding factor, helping Crawford earn his 1st shutout since game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals.


Wheeeeee!




So-So Soup

-Ryan Garbutt. Someone must've slipped some Adderall in Ol' Butt's cornflakes, because he was showing zip that wasn't there before. He had 6 shots on goal, leading the team.  Definitely his best game this season.

Side note: Ryan Garbutt looks like he has just murdered, or is thinking about murdering at all times. I searched Ryan Garbutt on Google Images and these were among the first dozen or so that came up...


Murder


Thinkin' bout murder


Just made a murder


Expired Tuna Salad

-Vinnie Hinostroza. He's not exactly bad, but no one was bad last night. I just don't know what he brings to this Hawks team. He's the type of player that should be in the AHL, developing his game, not taking up a valuable roster spot. Then again, nobody fucking knows who should be playing on the 3rd line. I think the 3rd line is haunted, you guys. 


Noticeably Unnoticed Award for Excellence in Impalpable Impact

-Trevor Daley. Among all Hawks defensemen, he had the least amount of ice time, and that includes David Rundblad, who sat in the penalty box for 4 minutes, because he's a doofus.


Final Thoughts:
So far, the Hawks have played exactly zero teams from the Western Conference. Starting tomorrow, the Hawks will face the cream of the Western Conference crop, although Anaheim looks like shit so far. They're playing as dazed as they did in the last 2 Conference Final games, but if anything can turn them back on, it's playing the team that fucked them last year.

The Hawks play the Jets in Winnipeg on Thursday, and I can't wait for that one! The Jets are the most entertaining team in hockey right now. I've watched their last 2 games. They have a brutal finesse about them, and I can't look away. They also have serious discipline issues and take dumb penalties as if it were their birthright. This just makes them more fun to watch. Oh, and I still have a soft spot in my heart for Dustin Byfuglien, even though he's a knucklehead.  

Filling Up On Weak Prey - Blackhawks 3 - Panthers 2

No opening paragraph today. Let's get down to it...

Delicious Cake

-Artem Anisimov. The Russian sniper is playing a huge role on the best line in hockey right now. He's the only Hawk that seems to know how to provide a netfront presence. Toews and Shaw are downright shitty compared to the 6' 4" Slavic monster's ability to screen the goalie and score goals. Anisimov's goal started with a faceoff win (by Anisimov himself) in the Hawk's defensive zone, followed by Kane's pass to Anisimov, who then blew by 3 Panthers, cut across the goalmouth, and slipped one past ol' Louie. Just fucking gorgeous! He also obstructed Luongo's view on Seabrook's PP goal. Smart trade, Stanny BoBo!

-Patrick Kane's patented top-shelf backhand goal.

-Brent Seabrook's 3 point night, including a laser-beam pass to Kane to set up his aforementioned backhand roofer.


Anisimov

So-So Soup
The Hossa-Toews-Godforsaken line. The top line is treading water at the moment because Q has fucked around relentlessly with who plays alongside Toews and Hossa. It's been frustrating to watch and I'm sure it's been frustrating for the 2 future Hall of Famers to play footsie with so many undeserving suitors. What needs to happen is simple: Teravainin needs to play on the top line. With Teuvo in there, the Hawks have 2 LETHAL lines that will embarrass their opponents' ancestors.

I know that having 4 balanced lines is the goal. But, I don't think the Hawks have the personnel or chemistry to pull that off right now. Teuvo is being wasted in the 3rd line center role. His skill is far beyond the players he is paired with. Enough with this horsefuckery. Put the play-makers together. It's working for the 2nd line, it'll work for the 1st. With Teuvo on the top line, the Hawks have 3 substantial lines, the 4th line being solid as ever, with Shaw-Kruger-Desjardins. The only question would be the 3rd line, which Q can busy himself with. Let him tinker away with the half dozen players at his disposal.  Let the 3rd line be the experiment, and leave the other lines alone.


Aww, Teuvo


Expired Tuna Salad
David Rundblad. This motherless fuck was on the ice for the 1st goal, looking not unlike a guy on skates in a defensive posture, watching a hockey game. Crawford bailed him out on a Jagr chance in the 2nd period with a brilliant glove save. Again, he was caught looking at the developing play, not being active or PLAYING HOCKEY.

I don't see Rundblad improving anytime soon, and I hope he has another career in mind, because being the weak link on a hockey team can only last for so long. Might I suggest Door to Door Coffin Salesman? How about Pony Disemboweler? Cold-Cut Defiler? Gorilla Talcum Applicator?


This wizard magically creates scoring chances for the opposing team!


Noticably Unnoticed Award

-Ryan Garbutt. Besides drawing a penalty by getting cross checked in the face by Dave Bolland, Garbutt was absent. Though, in Bolland's defense, it's hard to move around the ice without at least grazing Ryan Garbutt's massive head.

Final Thought:
It's time to see how the Blackhawks fare against the NHL's best teams, starting Saturday with the Lightning, then Anaheim, Winnipeg, Minnesota, LA, and St. Louis. Bring on the real contenders, and let's see what this team is made of.

4 to 6 Weeks of Woe - Duncan Keith Injured

Goddamnit! The only positive aspect about Duncan Keith's knee injury and subsequent surgery is that it's really early in the season and he has more than enough time to heal and get back into the groove for the playoffs. It's already been a slow start for the Hawks. The loss of their best defenseman has the potential to amplify the flatness of their game. 


Duncan Keith

The negatives abound. The Blackhawks are going to be without last year's Conn Smythe winner, a defensive wizard that leads by example on the ice. The defense is already up in the air with only 3 reliable veterans on the active roster (Seabrook, Keith, Hjarlmarsson), and the loss of their key piece paints a bleak scene. The aforementioned playoffs are not a given, especially with the insanely competitive Central Division, of which the Hawks went 15-14 against last year with a healthy Keith. So now the D consists of a mutant rookie with limited speed (Svedberg), a decent 2nd year player (van Riemsdyk), an offensive minded veteran who is weak at shot suppression (Daley), and 2 outstanding and dependable veterans (Seabrook, Hjalmarsson). 

Let's break down their current replacement options at D. The only left handed defenseman they have to replace Duncs is Kyle Cumiskey. Oof. Another option is Ville Pokka, a 21-year-old unproven Finn. You'll notice that I haven't mentioned David Rundblad as a temporary replacement option. That's because I hate David Rundblad. He has the decision making skills of a potato. His unforced errors seem to get him pinned in the zone at least twice a game, often leading to an opponent's scoring chance. He has a wicked slap shot, but that's about it. He's mostly just a warm body, which is great if you're trying to survive a plane crash in the Andes, less so if you're trying to win enough games to stay in the playoff race until Keith's return. 


David Rundblad: NHL hockey player or teen heartthrob star of an angsty teen drama on CW?




So how fucked are the Blackhawks? Medium. Medium fucked. Stay tuned, friends.

Blackhawks 4 - Bluejackets 1 - A Boring Win Is Still A Win

The shitshow that is the 2015-16 Columbus Bluejackets rolled into the United Center. Upon leaving, their record stands at 0 wins, 6 losses. Oof. The thing is, they're still competitive, they just don't have an identity or a unified style of play. The passion to win is there, they just don't know how. Once Anisimov scored late in the 2nd period, they just fell apart. They're a frustrated team looking for a spark, which is why they tried to start some dumb shit at the end of the game, to get some kind of emotional resonance running through the team. They failed at that, too. The Bluejackets started cross-checking every Blackhawk in the last minute of the game, like a drunk guy at last call who'd been stonewalled by every woman he talked to, so he starts a fight to prove that the night wasn't a waste. The Blackhawks were wise not to engage in the shitbaggery. Leave the pointless bluster to the Blues.

Delicious Cake

-Marian Hossa. Honorable gentleman, future Hall of Famer, master of puck possession, superior 2-way player, silent assassin. His goal on the Hawks' 2 man advantage had all the hallmarks of classic Hossa. He furiously pumped his legs to hustle on the back-check, stole the puck from behind and effortlessly slid a shot through the goalie's pads. The Hawks probably wouldn't have won 3 cups without him. He's still got a few more years left in him, and I will miss him dearly when he retires. 




So So Soup

-How may breakaways have the Hawks had this season? A lot. How many have they converted? Only 1 (Panarin). They need to execute on the tremendous chances they're getting. 

-The entire game was dull. Even Corey Crawford said so. The Hawks were lucky to be playing a team that has zero chemistry or else they might've gotten beat. They're not playing with any urgency. 


Me, watching this game


Expired Tuna Salad

-The Hawks power play. They put up a mere 6 shots on their 5 power play chances. The box score reads 2 PP goals, but the reality is that the 1st was a lucky deflection off a Bluejackets defenseman, and the 2nd was a tremendous individual effort by Hossa that I mentioned above. They are playing scared with the extra man. They're passing and passing and passing. They're pussy footing around the puck, not being active in their movement. It's all so predictable. They need to draw the defenders away from their battle stations by setting up below the goal line. Panarin has shown extreme skill behind the net, let him do his thing. Instead if playing passing games, have a defenseman penetrate with the puck and squeeze off a shot or pass to someone beside the net.


Final Thought:

The Hawks are gonna miss Brandon Saad come playoff time. And Saad is gonna miss the playoffs, because Columbus sucks, and historically speaking, has always sucked. That goes for the city of Columbus as well. I visited the Ohio State University campus before my senior year of high school and couldn't leave fast enough. There were bars on the windows of the dorms, which struck me as necessary after driving around that city for an hour.

Oh, Guy Fieri was born in Columbus. That is all.

Capitals 4 - Blackhawks 1 - What's the Russian Word for Gap-Toothed Trash?

That was forgettable. Stupid Hawks played like fuck suckers and I don't want to get into it right now. I'd rather talk about my ruined adoration of Alex Ovechkin.  

When I lived in Chicago, I'd go to one Hawks game a year, securing pretty good seats, an annual birthday present from my parents, who know how insane I am about hockey. I brought my friend Lee to all the games, as we're hockey buddies. We were there for Jonathan Toews' 1st hat trick against the Penguins in 2009, which also happened to be free hardhat night. Holy shit, it was fucking glorious! Seeing all those hardhats raining upon the ice in celebration, it was really special. That was the best game we saw. 

The worst game we saw was against the Washington Capitals in 2010. Shit was bad from the start, because NBC decided to flex schedule the game for their Sunday NHL matinee, with an 11AM start instead of 6PM. I hate mornings and am not enthusiastic about being alive until 1PM on most days, so having to drag my ass out of bed before 9AM on a Sunday was strike 1. The whole reason I wanted to go to that specific game was to see Alex Ovechkin play in person. I was a huge Ovechkin fan at the time, and thought he was the tits. An ugly Russian scoring machine with grace and brute strength in equal measure, he was my favorite NHL player not named Toews.

Halfway through the 1st period, as Brian Campbell and Ovechkin were chasing a puck deep into the Hawks' zone, Ovechkin checked Campbell into the boards, breaking his collarbone. Strike 2. Ovechkin was given a 5 minute major and ejected. Here's the hit...



After seeing that hit, I was silent and glum. The man I came to gawk at did something obnoxiously stupid, and injured a good player in the process. I knew immediately that I was through with Ovechkin. To pour salt in the wound, we sat next to an obnoxious pair of Capitals fans the whole game. Father and 10 year old son. They were more interested in booing the Blackhawks than cheering their team. People gave them looks, but since dad had a kid with him, nobody said anything. It's a good tactic for assholes to use their kid as a criticism shield. Strike 3. I don't remember if the Hawks won or lost, all I know is that I was thoroughly bummed. Fuck Alex Ovechkin with a butter knife.




Onto the game...

Delicious Cake

- The 2nd period. The Hawks outshot the Capitals 17-7 and had more scoring chances than Fabio at a menopause convention.


So-So Soup

-They scored a goal! That's objectively better than being shut out, right?

Expired Tuna Salad

-The net-front presence at both ends of the ice. The Hawks are going to run into a lot of positionally sound, anchored goalies. The era of the flailing goalie making spectacular saves is over (I still love you, Dominik Hasek), replaced by big steady netminders. To beat these goaltenders, you have to have a durable player in front of him, obstructing his view, deflecting shots, and tapping in rebounds. It's no coincidence that the only Hawks goal was scored with Anisimov standing in front of Braden Holtby.

As far as defensive net-front presence, the Hawks are losing battles and failing to clear space for their goalie to see oncoming shots. 3 of the 4 goals were scored because of someone screening Scott Darling. The 1st goal by Oshie, that overrated red-cheeked bastard who scored more than 20 goals only once in 7 seasons, saw him sneak into the slot and snap a shot past Darling, who was dealing with Marcus Johansson in his face. The Capitals 2nd goal was made possible by Johansson again, who was in front of Darling, as well as Svedberg screening him. Svedberg is gonna have to learn to get out of his own goalie's sightline, big motherfucker that he is. 3rd goal had two Hawks, Hjalmarsson and Tikhonov, screening Darling as Matt Niskanen cruised across the ice and lifted a shot over Darling's right shoulder.

To score, you need a body in front of the net. To defend, you need to clear the bodies in front of the net. It's that simple. The Hawks need to get better at both.


An example of good net-front presence.

Flyers 3 - Hawks 0 - Anywhere But Philadelphia

Ah, Philadelphia. One of the two most depressing American cities I've ever visited. The other being Columbus, Ohio. Do you like bleak houses enveloped in aluminum siding? How about post-war row homes inhabited by geriatrics and the obese? You know why Philly fans are the worst in America? Why they're much happier seeing other teams lose than seeing a Philly team win? Because Philadelphia is a miserable shithole, and the frustration of living a wretched life inside that garbage city generates bile and overwhelming anger, which can only be temporarily cured by thrusting that negativity outward via obscene gestures, vigorous taunts, and flying fists. The circumstance of being born in Philadelphia makes one suspect that God is dead and any notion of a tolerable existence is out of reach.   


Philadelphia. Ooh that sweet, sweet urban blight


On to the game....

The Hawks ran into a positionally sound and error-free goalie performance by Michal Neuvirth. Add in a Flyers defense that provided support in front of him, and you get shut out. That was the difference between the Hawks and the Flyers tonight, with the Hawks being passive in front of Corey Crawford.  The Hawks defense did not clear the front of the net, they let the Flyers skate in and get multiple shots on Crow, they didn't use body positioning to box out rebound mercenaries, and they didn't get their sticks in the way. This type of passive play in front of your goalie leads to losses. The Hawks lost.

   
 Delicious Cake

- The Hawks had scoring chances up the ass tonight, but just couldn't capitalize. Marian Hossa's breakaway, Panarin to Kane to Anisimov's shot in the slot, Teuvo's wrister after a quick cut inside, Toew's rebound off of Duncan Keith's slapper on the last power play, etc... 

-The power play was actually generating great scoring opportunities. It's unfortunate that nothing got past Neuvirth. The difference tonight was the injection of chaos into the power play attack. Like always, there was a lot of puck movement, but the players moved as well, which is a new and welcome development. The attack was unpredictable, which is good, because predictability is the reason the Hawks power play has been ineffective for years under Joel Quenneville. It's usually Keith trading passes with somebody along the blue line, then a pass to the corner man, who passes it back to the point, and the point man launches a shot that hits somebody in the leg. There was less meek predictability tonight. Hopefully, this is a trend.   

So-So Soup

-Viktor Tikhonov showed up. But he needs to do more than just show up if the Hawks are going to have any confidence in their forward depth.
-Viktor Svedberg played better. He didn't look high on catnip. Here's Viktor, high on catnip...




Expired Tuna Salad

-Well, that was a short audition on the top line for Ryan Garbutt. In fact, Garbutt was on the ice for just over 7 minutes, the lowest amount for a player on either team. But that's Coach Q for ya. If he isn't familiar with a player, he's doesn't play him. Which begs the question, how does Q get familiar with a player if he doesn't play him? This is the same tired maneuver that Q likes to inflict on the players, who thrive on consistency. Line not working for a couple shifts? Mix 'em all to hell! For he is lord Q, an angry and vengeful god! Fear his wrath! Rain praise upon him, or you shall be smoten! 3 cups! 3 cups! 3 cups!


   

Islanders at Blackhawks - CHI 4 - NYI 1 - John Tavares Needs Anger Management

I've been thinking about this for a long time. Back in the early 2000's, I used to watch the MTV documentary series True Life. There were some really compelling episodes involving individuals dealing with drug abuse, eating disorders, and emotional problems. And then there were really hilarious episodes where the person being filmed had no idea how much of an ass they were. True Life: I Need Anger Management (skip to 3:30 for the money lines), was one of those amazing episodes. The star of the episode was a guy named Johnny, who's a Brooklyn hothead with no sense of self awareness and a chip on his shoulder the size of a large dog. Now, what does this have to do with the Blackhawks' impressive 4-1 win?  Well, Johnny looks an awful lot like John Tavares, who was dealing with anger issues of his own last night.




And here's a clip of Johnny, a man with zero self awareness and a comical lack of impulse control...





The Hawks dominated the Islanders, causing John Tavares to blow a fuse. Tavares exploded at the refs, earning him a 2 minute unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, and a 10 minute misconduct. Brent Seabrook scored on the ensuing 5 on 3, aided by a stellar cross-ice pass from Teravainen. How'd that outburst work out for ya, Tavi? Rez-dog? I don't know his nickname. All I know is that he was trying to inject some emotion into a thoroughly beaten down group of players. And you might say it worked, with the Islanders scoring a short handed goal shortly after his outburst, ending Scott Darling's bid for his 2nd career shutout.

Delicious Cake

- The Kane-Anisimov-Panarin line should not be fucked with. You hear that, Q? You've got a magic show going on. Just sit back and watch. Along with the Teuvo-Toews-Hossa line, this roster boasts two of the most lethal lines in all of hockey. The 3rd line should be Desjardins-Kruger-Shaw, which saw great success in the playoffs last season. They grind well and are defensively smart. God help the 4th line, made up of spare parts and hot dogs. Bickell-Tikhonov-Garbutt? Garbutt-Baun-Dano? It isn't that bad, but compared to the other lines, the 4th line is an abomination. 

- The 3rd goal, by Patrick Kane, concluded a full 1 minute, 6 second sequence of diabolic wizardry in the Islanders zone. Kane, Anisimov, Panarin, and Van Riemsdyk just earned themselves ice cream sundaes! 

-Scott Darling was fantastic in net. He was aggressive all night, stopping 28 of 29 shots, and thwarted a breakaway from Kulemin. His shutout was snuffed in the final 2 minutes, which was unfortunate, but he looked smooth all night. With the way he played last year in the playoffs, along with some stellar work in the preseason, the Blackhawks officially have a reliable backup.




So-So Soup

- Kulemin's breakaway was made possible by an ugly line change. There weren't any too many men on the ice penalties, though, so improvement?

Expired Tuna Salad

-Oh, Viktor Svedberg, how I loathe thee. Dude can't stay on his feet! It looks like someone puts skates on a daddy longlegs and called it a defenseman. He didn't play like the hot diarrhea of his debut, but an upgrade to lukewarm shit isn't much of an upgrade.

-The Hawks should burn down the power play and collect the insurance.

Final Thought:

If Desjardins had any sort of accuracy to his shot, he'd be a top 6 forward. I love Desi, though. Just wish he had a decent wrister. 




 

Blackhawks Vs. Islanders

The 3 on 3 overtime sure is fun, gang! It's like a roller-coaster on ice! Seriously though, I don't know how long the novelty of endless 2 on 1's and breakaways will last. The outcome seems like a flip of the coin and I don't know how it benefits the players who have to hustle from one end to the other at full panicking speed. I thought the objective from the NHLPA's perspective was to reduce overall playing time, thereby reducing the wear and tear during an 82 game season because of gridlocked 4 on 4 OT. But these guys are flying all over the ice, burning themselves out. At least it tends to end early, as it did last night when the Hawks beat the Islanders 3-2 at the Barclays Center. Let's get to it....




Delicious Cake

-Patrick Kane scored 2 goals including the game winner in OT, which was deflected off of Johnny Boychuk's stick. Seems like he's picking up where he left off last year, when he scored 64 points in 61 games before snapping his collarbone like a pencil. And then returning from that injury to post 23 points in 23 playoff games. Dude is a beast and will continue to be a beast.

-Johnathan Toews shoveled a tremendous behind the back pass to Kane for an easy goal. He also had a couple of great scoring opportunities including a mad scramble in the 1st.

-Corey Crawford, solid as usual. Love that fucking guy!

-Artemi Panarin has skill. He very good at hockey sport. Russian Ruble crash, so Panarin play in NHL now. Nostrovia!




So-So Soup

-Artem Anisimov scored a shorty with a slick backhand top shelfer. He anticipated and pounced on a weak Islanders pass for an easy breakaway. But other than that, his presence was a non-factor. Nice goal, though. That's what they brought him here for.

-Bryan Bickell continues to play uninspired hockey. At least he didn't do anything to hurt the team, but he certainly isn't helping.




Expired Tuna Salad

-Viktor Svedberg was paid actual money for his participation in the game last night. No really, he's a professional hockey player, look it up. I know, I know, it's his 1st game in the NHL, so I should cut the kid some slack, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like Shawn Bradley on skates. A mutant with no mobility. I haven't seen such appalling turnovers since David Rundblad a couple nights ago. Just how fucked is the defensive depth that I anxiously await the return of Michal Rozsival?

-John Tavares' goal was entirely preventable. Keith got caught out of position in the corner, and Hjalmars let Tavares skate in front of Crawford and shoot twice without being touched. You can't let a player of that caliber have all day in the slot, because he will score.

-Ah yes, the first too many men on the ice penalty for the Hawks this year. One of many, I presume. The Blackhawks had the 2nd most bench minors in the league last year. Quenneville and his assistants need to fucking fix that shit. It's embarrassing and aggravating. And while they're at it, why not fix the goddamn power play, ya buncha piss turds.

A word on the Barclays Center:

Barclays Center seats 15,813 people, making it 2nd to last in seating capacity, even though that's just a few hundred less than what the old Nassau Coliseum could seat. The stadium with the least amount of seats is MTS Centre, where the Winnipeg Jets play to a mere 15,000 fans.

It's very clear that the Barclays Center was never meant to host hockey games. The left side (on TV) of the ice is a shitshow, with railings obstructing the view of the near corner. Oh, and there's a car parked behind the glass in the far corner, which strikes me as some KHL or Swedish league shit. It reminds me of a mall, actually. Kind of tacky for the NHL. "Ooh, a car!" Get outta here with that shit. For fuck's sake, replace the car with some seats. Or do a Street Fighter promotion and have a guy dressed like Ryu try to demolish the car with his fists in between periods. Yeah, do that! 

But I'm glad that the Islanders moved to Brooklyn. For selfish reasons. My girlfriend is from Brooklyn, and we visit at least once a year, so I'll actually be able to see a hockey game when we go. Unless ticket prices are insane, which might be the case. That's what has stopped me from catching a game at Madison Square Garden. Also, the general ugliness of Rangers fans. But good on the Islanders for moving away from the concrete shitbox in the middle of Bumfuck, Long Island known as the Nassau Coliseum, a mere 90 minutes of walking and trains and walking from Brooklyn. And 90 minutes back. That's 3 hours of travel for a game that lasts less than 3 hours. There are better ways to spend my time in New York.

Final Thought:

I miss Nick Leddy. The Hawks D could really use him. Even if he looks like a murderer who tried to slit his own throat... 

New Kid on the Block

With other Blackhawks blogs falling into a pit of self rightous preaching regarding the Patrick Kane investigation, I've lost most of my sources for Blackhawks opinion and game analysis. I refuse to read a hockey blog that takes itself too seriously (Committed Indian). Or one that concludes that the Hawks are tacitly supporting rape by keeping Kane in the lineup (Hockeenight).  Therefore, I've decided to create my own Hawks blog, dropping flippant analysis of every game the Hawks play. AND MORE!*

*more is not a guarantee

I will not be featuring advanced analytics, much of which I simply don't care about. That doesn't mean there will be no stats, just no Corsi, Fenwick, Body Heat Index, Surf Height, or any other shit that reminds me of baseball stat nerdery. Baseball is riddled with that stuff because there is so much time in between the "action", that it gives the obsessives time to get, well, obsessive. Hockey is mostly nonstop action, and that is one of the many reasons I love it.

I will watch the games and report what I see. What's good and what's lacking.

I'll also get better at writing, both from the heart and off the cuff. About 6 years ago, I used to blog everyday, and it made me a better writer. I'm hoping the same happens with this blog. I believe that my passion for the Hawks and hockey in general will never leave me with a loss for words.





Quickies

-I live in California, so most games start between 4:30pm and 5:30pm for me. I DVR all the games, but the recaps won't be instantaneous if you live in Chicago. I'll often post the next morning, like a newspaper.  My recaps should be up faster as the season moves along and I get more efficient.

-I'm an opinionated fucker when it comes to hockey players and coaches. I'm gonna rip some apart this season. I'm getting a hate boner right now just thinking about Barret Jackman.



 
There's 1 game in the books already, and the season is roughly 6 months long. I'm looking forward to every second of what I hope is a great season.  Maybe it'll end like this again....